the sky kneads the sun
slouching on a cloud
the gods must be bored;
and then the
thunder borrows my heartbeat
Getting help, seeking help and listening to others while they’re trying to help has always been a problem for me. Of course it’s an ego issue and I’m trying to figure out how I developed that and how I can overcome that is a big part of my life right now.
As long as I can remember my family was not so structured or it was never in a stable place for anyone in my family to properly teach me anything (I’ve seen this in few Tamil families that have had to flee the war) but I was always expected to do things properly and not make a mistake. This made me self conscious. Even to this date, I’m apprehensive about making a mistake or somehow looking like a fool if I do.
Somehow not allowing myself to make mistakes have made me hide them to other people to the extent I take it upon myself to learn everything on my own.
I used to think one of the saddest moments in my life is that I had to learn to ride a bike all by myself in gr 8. It was relatively sad cause I used to yearn for the moments on television where the father and son had a bonding moment during this rite of passage.
Now that I’m older it’s not so sad ‘cause I know people who went through the same thing and some who have never learned to ride a bike at all.
Anyways back to my point, even if people instruct me on how to do something, it takes a great deal of effort for me to accept it and come to terms with that. I have gotten better though, primarily by allowing myself to be more receptive to constructive feedback/critiques.
Perhaps every time someone has tried to teach me something i can never understand it. I’m the kind of person that learns things as I do it, so it rarely benefits me when someone instructs me. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to learn like that.